Feel Your Feelings Without Overwhelm
And also without suppressing or ignoring them.
This isn’t a “hot take” newsletter. My goal with Rebel Leaders is to redefine leadership, not burn myself out reacting to every headline. There are excellent journalists, activists, and independent writers on Substack who do that, but I want to take the long view.
That being said, it’s been nearly impossible to write about leadership these past few weeks without acknowledging the emotional exhaustion of the fires in L.A. and the latest U.S. presidential transition. I try my best to set boundaries around how much news I consume because I know how easy it is to spiral. But even with those guardrails, the new administration’s strategy of flooding us with executive orders and cabinet appointments and dramatic headlines has absolutely succeeded in overwhelming me with ALL the emotions - anger, fear, sadness, and disgust.
The other day, I was at my son’s martial arts class, watching as the kids recited their creed. And one line felt particularly relevant: “I will not be ruled by my emotions.”
At first, my rebel leader instinct kicked in. Because on the surface, it sounds like the traditional advice we’ve all been given, right? Suppress your feelings, stay in control, don’t let them see you sweat. That’s the opposite of what I try to teach my kids; I don’t want them ignoring or suppressing their emotions. I WANT them to feel their feelings.
But the more I sat with it, the more I realized that “not being ruled by emotions” isn’t about ignoring them or suppressing them. It means not letting my emotions dictate my actions without first being aware of what they’re trying to teach me. It means collaborating with my emotions by recognizing them as signals that something is potentially amiss.
But…how do we do that? How do we feel our emotions without drowning in them? How do we let them guide us without handing them the wheel? And for those of us who get labeled “too emotional” when we express frustration, or “cold” when we don’t, how do we navigate the extra layer of bias that polices how we’re even allowed to feel?
That’s what I want to dig into today. Because as rebel leaders, we don’t shut down our emotions, but we also don’t let them run wild. Rebel leaders know how to use our emotions to increase our humanity, deepen our connection to each other, and inspire us to make meaningful change.
The Rules Aren’t the Same for Everyone
Let’s start with the obvious: the rules about expressing emotions aren’t the same for everyone.
Women who express anger? “Hysterical.” “Too much.” “A bitch.”
Men who show sadness or vulnerability? “Man up.” “Weak.”
Black women? The “angry Black woman” stereotype.
Asian women? Expected to be agreeable and quiet.
So how do we navigate this? First, by recognizing that these biases DO exist so we don’t gaslight ourselves into thinking we’re “too much” or “not enough.” Second, by making intentional choices about when to challenge those expectations and when to strategically work around them. Look, leadership is about making an impact, and sometimes the most rebellious move is knowing how to play the game long enough to be in a position to change the rules. And finally, find and surround yourself with safe people who GET IT. When you have mentors, peers, friends, or colleagues who will help you feel your full emotional range, you gain both protection and power. You don’t have to hold back everywhere; find the spaces where you can be fully seen.
And if they don’t exist? Build them.
Understand the Difference Between Feeling and Reacting
Feeling your emotions means acknowledging them, sitting with them, and understanding what they’re trying to tell you. Reacting means letting them dictate your actions before you’ve had a chance to process.
Collaborating with our emotions is a learned skill though, so the next time you feel something really intense, practice The Pause:
Pause and settle your nervous system.* I am safe right now.
Name the emotion. What am I feeling right now?
Trace it back. Is this pointing to a real injustice or an old wound?
Decide what to do. What is the most constructive way forward?
Think of emotions like notifications on your phone. They alert you to something, but they don’t dictate your next move. Just because you feel anger doesn’t mean you should lash out. Just because you feel doubt doesn’t mean you should shrink back. Instead, let your emotions teach you more about yourself rather than control your actions.
Emotional Intelligence is in the Messy Middle
Many of us were raised with two opposing messages:
Suppress your emotions because they’re dangerous, too much, or unprofessional.
Let all your emotions drive your decisions because they’re the most authentic.
Both are traps.
Rebel leadership requires a third path: making space for emotions while maintaining clarity. Traditional leadership often praises logic over emotion, but the best leaders integrate both. This is emotional intelligence.
“Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to perceive, understand, and manage one’s own emotions and relationships. It involves being aware of emotions in oneself and others and using this awareness to guide thinking and behavior. Emotionally intelligent individuals can motivate themselves, read social cues, and build strong relationships.” Emotional Intelligence (EQ): Components and Examples
Emotional intelligence allows you to:
Sense when something is off in a room before anyone speaks.
Build trust by showing up as an authentic human, not just a polished, emotionless robot.
Make values-driven decisions rather than fear-driven ones.
As I was writing this post, I asked my 12 year old what he thought the line in his martial arts creed meant. He said, “It means you don’t let your emotions make dumb decisions for you. Like, if you’re mad in a fight and just start swinging, you’ll probably lose.”
So as I feel my very real and sometimes overwhelming emotions about everything that’s happening in the world, I’m trying to learn how to hold them, use them, and still keep my balance.
*I’m researching about stress reactions now and the history is fascinating, so stay tuned for that!